Oral surgery: The (not so) quick way to lose (but not really) 10 pounds

If getting your wisdom teeth pulled doesn't sound like your idea of an fun-filled Monday afternoon, I'm going to bet it's because you haven't considered the fantastic nutritional side effects of said procedure. Pureed diet? Bring it on. At least that was my attitude before the oral surgeon had at my mouth...

So you guessed it. I got my wisdom teeth extracted. All four of them. At once. All impacted. The oral surgeon gave me the typical spiel about "pudding, applesauce, mashed potatoes." I, in my ignorance, thought that as a nutritionist, I should be able to write the book on this kind of stuff. This is a mechanical soft diet. I prescribe them all the time. Might as well get a taste of my own medicine.

Suffice to say, I was not prepared for the pain. Let's not dwell on how it still felt like a jackhammer was pounding inside my jaw by post-op day 10. Eating was more than a challenge. I started my first night (with gauze still packed in the freshly gouged holes in the back of my mouth) with half-melted ice cream, the only thing I could get into my mouth without wanting to call Dr. Kevorkian. The next morning, my pain induced coma kept me in bed until the early afternoon, at which point I tried to have some oatmeal. Bad choice. While delicious under normal circumstances, all that soluble fiber stickiness attached itself to my stitches, and I wasn't about to go spelunking to get it off. For the next few days, pudding was my best friend. That chocolate deliciousness slipped right down the gullet, no problems. Not exactly nutritionally sound, but at that point I was looking for calories any way I could get them. Four days post-op was potroast night, and it smelt so delicious that I couldn't not eat it. I chopped it up as small as I could and swallowed it whole. The mashed potatoes were easier. The corn, not so much.

So here are my survival tips to get through any sort of oral surgery/extraction/other dental torture without swearing off food altogether:

-Stick to semi-liquid foods the first two days: Think milk shakes (even pudding is too thick for now), but pour them into your mouth off a spoon, since no straws are allowed! Puckering your mouth hurts like a mo fo and can tear your sutures out.
-You need protein to heal up your mouth. Stick to tender meats (flaky fish are great) and cut them up. When you think the pieces are small enough, cut them some more. Better than pureed chicken, that's for sure.
-Get some Vitamin C for wound healing from some OJ. Easy to pour down your throat, but try not to swirl it around your mouth. The acidity could sting your "holes," as the dental profession responsible for their existence so lovingly refer to them.
-Tender cooked veggies are easy to mash up and get down, and the vitamins and minerals will help you heal more quickly. Boiling may be your best option, but if you'd like to retain more vitamins, just steam them to death.

One way to prolong your suffering: Chew with your front teeth. I thought I was helping myself out by keeping any food I ate away from my holes, but my oral surgeon let me know that by chomping away with my incisors, I was straining my jaw and extending my torment longer than necessary. Just deal with the fact that once you can tolerate moving your jaw more than a fraction of an inch to chew, you are going to stash away half of every mouthful in those holes. Gargling gets most of it out and lets you enjoy every meal at least one and a half times.

I ended up losing 5 pounds over the course of the two weeks of intense pain and "functional capacity affecting intake," as we in the clinical field call circumstances like these. I would hardly classify myself as malnourished, and I gained all the weight back when I started eating again. So if you're looking for a (not so) quick way to lose (but not really) 10 pounds, I've got a great oral surgeon for you.